Not So Good Eats

** Update: Good Eats Grocer is no longer in business **

It is raining, and I am running some errands. I have never ridden my scooter in the rain, so I am a little nervous. Perhaps this is the reason why I cleaned my plate at Good Eats Grocer after I finished my errands. I tend to eat too much and too fast when I am nervous.

Good Eats Grocer is a misnomer. Yes, one can buy things like wine, baked goods, prepared meals, cheese, produce, and meats, but in limited quantities and varieties. Good Eats Grocers (or just Good Eats) is banking on the word “select” to bring in “select” people interested in “select” groceries. The place has a small footprint (the old Andiamo at Folsom Blvd and Alhambra) and has only one or two checkout stands. The store also has a pizza station, a bar, and a restaurant with a small but varied menu. One of those items is the Bistro Burger and that is why I am here.

I tried to order my burger at the wrong station because there was no one at the host station so I assumed (this being a grocery and all) that I should go to the deli station to order my lunch as I do at Raley's or Safeway. The nice man in a pristine white chef’s coat pointed towards the front door where a host seemed to materialize out of thin air.

Okay, so Good Eats is so urbane and California hip that the square customers like me need a tutorial on how to use the place, but what about the burger. First, here is the basic facts: the Bistro Burger is comprised of a 1/3 lb beef patty, cheddar, jack, or Swiss cheese, tomato, lettuce, raw red onion, pickles, and mayonnaise on a large bun. Not bad on paper, but where things got dicey is when I bit into it burger. Sure it looks nice with its big bun and the tomato and onion slices conspicuously pushed out of the burger to give it an distinctive look, but it does not taste right. When I pull away and look, I see it is solid pink.

The burger is charred on the outside, the way I like it, but decidedly pink on the inside meaning it was grilled too hot too fast. There were only three other tables occupied and all of them appeared to have been served. For that matter there was no one at the bar, deli and pizza stations, and no one in the “grocery.” A busy restaurant is no excuse for an undercooked meal, but there were no orders coming in and the help were all just standing around. I was here with my wife to check out the new place a couple weeks earlier and it was just as slow.

Anyway, here I was with a raw burger. This would have been an perfect time for me to respond in the negative for once when the server came asking if everything is okay. “No, everything is not okay! Look at my burger. It is pink-going-on-red; and check out my plate of blood!” This was truly a argument for meek people like me to step up and demand to have the dish returned, but I am meeker than most. With the steer still kicking in my mouth, I just smiled and grunted, “Uh-huh.”

If nothing else I should not have finished the burger, but that is not how I am wired, alas. The same goes for the fries, but for a entirely different reason. The fries were excellent—crispy and seasoned to perfection. The problem with this was there were far too many—more like a plate for two.

When I left the building the weather was much nicer, but my stomach was killing me. I do not know if it was from eating an undercooked burger or eating too many fries. The wise words of my wife come to mind as I put on my riding jacket, hoping I do not trigger my vomit launch when the zipper rolls over my aching paunch. She often tells me not to waist calories on food you do not like. I really did not like this burger.

Scooter Locks

My Vespa has a locking steering column which when employed protects against theft, but for those who have vintage scooters or someone who wants another layer of security there are other ways to reduce scooter theft. One of these is disc lock. A disc lock is usually made of hardened metal and is mounted on a hole in your front disc brake. The lock usually comes with a lock-reminder cable that the operator loops around the handlebar. The reminder cable ensures the operator does not try to ride off with the lock still in place. While this system works, it is cumbersome and time consuming to operate. For this reason, I rarely employ mine.

The Scoot Shop is now selling the Grip-Lock. This lock appears to be a much quicker and more convenient way to secure your scooter than using a disc lock. Here's a video on how it works:

The Baker’s Burger and the First Response Scooter

I was scooting to Jimmy's apartment, a friend who had not answered his phone nor returned any messages in the last few days. I was approaching Ettore’s European Bakery & Restaurant, a bakery known for its bread and pastries, and for its burger! I pulled into the parking lot deciding to give the burger another shot I would deal with my mysterious friend after I eat. (My stomach works that way.)

In the fall of 2007 Sacramento Bee food and culture writer, Allen Pierlioni chose Ettore’s burger as his personal favorite. A short time before that article was published my brother commented that the bakery made an excellent burger. After these two positive reports my wife and went there. I do not remember why we were disappointed, but I do recall wondering what the big deal was with this burger.

Now, three years later I have an opportunity to evaluate “Ettore's Award Winning Hamburger on our Cheddar Scallion Bun.” That long-winded title is directly from Ettore’s Lunch menu. Also on the menu is that the burger was “VOTED BEST HAMBURGER IN SACRAMENTO!” (All-caps and exclamation mark are theirs.)

While the Award Winning Hamburger on our Cheddar Scallion Bun is good, I think the title sets up the customer to be disappointed. I can name five burgers better than this one and that is not counting burgers from places considered by many local food critics as serious contenders. (Jamie’s, Jerry’s Tumbleweed Inn, and Nationwide Freezer Meats are known to make excellent burgers.)

If you are a vegetarian and a lover of hype, Ettore’s also makes the “House Made Mushroom Veggie Burger on Wheat Roll, which they call The BEST VEGGIE BURGER EVER! (I am glad I can copy/paste all this hype right off their online menu.)

Okay, enough picking, here the stuff that would make you want to try one of these: the bun for one thing. The Cheddar Scallion is the best hamburger bun I have tasted. You almost do not need the slice of Swiss cheese—that is almost.

The beef is a fresh Niman Ranch patty topped with Swiss cheese and sautéed mushrooms. The red leaf lettuce is a nice touch with the tomato slice. There is a generous helping of herb mayonnaise on the bun that probably contributes to the bun’s premature disintegration. Still, I prefer the herb mayonnaise to the uninspiring Thousand Island dressing you get with other burgers.

Personally, I miss the onions, whether sautéed or raw. In addition, pickles, even pickle chips would have been nice, but these omissions are intentional and contribute to the distinctive Ettore’s burger taste. Since the burger has a much stronger emphasis on the grilled, savory elements rather than the crisp veggie parts, I would think a couple of strips of bacon would have better completed this approach.

Attire’s burger is good. It goes for a little under $10 and is only on their lunch menu. I could not judge the quality of fries because the burger comes with pasta salad instead. With only a few minor drawbacks, I would return to Ettore’s for this burger I only question all the press’ hoopla and the self-congratulatory verbiage on their menu.

First Response Scooter

With a full belly, I pulled out of Ettore’s parking lot and scooted to my friend Jimmy’s apartment only to find him confused and unable to string together a single sentence. When I suggested I call 911 he objected, and pointed down to the parking lot. My eyes locked on my scooter. This was out of the question. I was not going to ride to the hospital with him on the back of my Vespa—he was out of it and probably would fall off. Besides, together we would max-out the suspension! A split second later I realized he meant his van. I opted for 911.

A few minutes later we were on the sidewalk in front of his apartment complex and the EMTs loading him into the ambulance. They hauled Jimmy to the hospital. The weird thing is six months ago I did not have any wheels. So in reflection, I do not know who would have visited Jimmy if I did not. I am sure someone would have eventually, but thanks to my scooter I was able to respond to this situation. Maybe I'll get a helmet with a cherry top and siren.

Speaking of burgers and hospitals—I don’t think I will be scooting to Blimpie for their dubious venture into the world of burgers, beef or otherwise.

Tale of Two Burgers and the Mini Scooters

A linguist friend told me recently that the correct pronunciation of crêpe is “kreap” not “krape.” Like how a Scotsman might say, “Eh, this shepherd's pie tastes like kreap.” I wonder if we changed the pronunciation sounds the food would sound more appealing.

Nevertheless, this is a blog about hamburgers. Let us proceed. While drinking my soy chai latte at Crêpeville, the 24th Street and 2nd Avenue location, I thought why not have a head-to-head comparisons with Crêpeville’s burger and the burger offered at Crêpe Escape, the 3445 Freeport Boulevard location.

I have been to both of these restaurants more than once. While crêpes are their specialties, they clearly have on each of their colorful blackboard menus a house burger. I used to come to this Crêpeville when it was the Café Mélange. I drank lattes and paid a Senior Master in chess to hand me my ass once a week. The point was to see where I was making mistakes. When it became clear that I sucked--and I did not want to invest the time and energy to get better I broke it off.

The only good thing I remembered about those sessions was that we played in the upper room. When I was not losing at chess, I enjoyed drinking espresso drinks upstairs. It was a nice place, but when Crêpeville bought the place, they turned the upstairs area into an office. Whenever I come into Crêpeville, I always look up hoping to find they have opened up the room to customers again.

I do not know what Crêpe Escape was before it was Crêpe Escape. The drab brown building never caught my eye in all the years I lived in the area as Crêpeville does. The two times I ate at Crêpe Escape I had items (probably crêpes) that were not memorable. Still, the online consumer reviews are mostly positive so maybe the problems were unique to the two times I was there.

Crêpeville’s “The Burger” consists of a 1/2 lb of ground chuck with sautéed red onions, mushrooms, avocado, jack cheese, and mayonnaise on a sesame bun. I used to love sautéed or grilled onions over raw onions, but it now depends on what kind of onions: if the onions are yellow or white I say grill/sauté them, but the sweet taste of the red onion is lost to some extent when cooked.

The patty was on the dry side. Ordering well-done beef can do that, however, a skilled cook does not have to dry the patty out to achieve well-done burger. There is a happy medium or I would not order my hamburgers well-done. Crêpeville’s burger missed the mark on its most essential aspect. “The Burger” is not a conventional hamburger: it does not come with lettuce, tomato, and pickle. The creator obviously left these out (since it is not noted in the burger’s description on the menu. Instead, a generous portion of fresh avocado stands in for the tomato and veggies. This seems like an original, or at least different, idea: the avocado in place of the usual stuff (rather than along side the usual stuff).

Crêpe Escape’s “The Burger Escape” is more conventional, consisting of a ½ lb of Black Angus beef, cheddar cheese, tomato, red onions, pickles, mayonnaise on a sesame bun. This well-done patty was much juicier than the one at Crêpeville, proving you can have it both ways. “The Burger Escape” has Romaine lettuce, tomato, raw red onion, and pickles. When it comes to burger accoutrements, I prefer the traditional lettuce, tomato, raw onion, and pickles to a substitute like avocado and/or sautéed mushrooms and onions, I like the contrast when I bite into a burger: the warm patty, and cheese, the crisp veggies and tomato, and the soft bread. It is all about the confluence of these flavors and consistencies as they hit your taste buds. Though I often like my onions grilled, if you are going to use red onions cool and crisp is the way to go. Too bad “The Burger Escape” did not have sautéed mushrooms, that was the one thing that stood out on Crêpeville’s burger..

Crêpeville’s “The Burger” costs $8.50 and comes with a side of roasted red potatoes. The potatoes are well seasoned and very tasty. I would rather have these than the boring thick fries that come with “The Burger Escape.” It is tragic how I will jam the entire portion of fries in my mouth while writing how run-of-the-mill they are!

As a healthy alternative to “The Burger,” Crêpeville offers a smoked tofu burger that comes with all the fixings that are on their beef burger. “The Burger Escape,” which goes for $7.45, is the only burger on Crêpe Escape’s menu, however, there were burgers written on the Specials whiteboard including a turkey burger and a burger with avocado and provolone cheese, but it is unclear how often these alternatives are available.

While I prefer the Crêpeville’s environment and general atmosphere, I was not crazy about the less-than-excited servers. The flies that flew freely from the two open doors vying for my meal were also a downer. There were no flies at Crêpe Escape, but the digs are commonplace. (I also had to put up with a whaling baby through most of my stay.) Overall, I might return for Crêpe Escape’s burger someday, but I will stick with crêpes and my sissy soy chai lattes when I visit Crêpeville again—which I am sure I will someday soon.

The Mini scooters are coming!